Over the course of my life I’ve faced many challenges. Child abuse, a dysfunctional home, and an overly sensitive nature stacked the deck against me during my early years. But none of those difficulties affected me more than my ongoing struggle to discover who I truly am in Christ.
I was a shy child. Too eager to please, and awkward, I somehow swallowed the lie that I wasn’t worth much.
My early exposure to Christianity only exacerbated my inclination to believe that I had to prove myself to everybody, including God.
Early memories of Sunday School include endless sessions of trying and failing to measure up. I could never memorize enough scripture verses, or bring enough friends to class, or attend enough weeks in a row to receive the best prizes.
Outside of church the results were the same. Success and failure were determined by high expectations of myself. Everything had to be perfect; the way I looked and how I performed at home and at school. Inevitably, no matter how hard I tried… I failed.
I felt that I had failed every time…
• I looked in the mirror and saw my thin, wispy hair, and crooked teeth.
• Someone told me that I was too skinny or too tall.
• I got into trouble at home.
• I got less than 100 percent on my school work.
• I couldn’t accomplish something I set out to do.
When the abuse by my father began at age nine, I tried to hide, first under my blankets and when that didn’t work… in my mind. But no matter how I hid… evil found me.
The effects of abuse on my impressionable mind were unendurable. So, I stuffed them. I didn’t think about the nightmares of the night during the day. Somehow, I managed to continue believing that I was fine.
But the feelings of being unworthy followed me everywhere… all. The. Time.
Please join me for the rest of this post at the blog Melanie S. Pickett where it is my honor to be a part of Melanie’s Triumphant Tuesdays series.